10 Thoughts on creating a meaningful life with loss & grief
From a Spiritual Leader
Hi, good peeps! We are having an open and honest conversation about how to better understand the second half of life. We are entering that stage of life where we are facing our own aging and the advanced aging of our parents. How can we deal with all of this and create a meaningful life? We are going to hear from Steve Leder about his own journey through the second half of life and how we can create a meaningful journey too.
Steve is a prolific author, husband, father of two, currently serves as the Senior Rabbi of Wilshire Boulevard Temple, a prestigious synagogue in Los Angeles with three campuses and 2,700 congregants. He is discussing how he was able to take his own experience with loss and help others suffering from grief, explaining different types of loss, living a more fulfilling life, and being authentically yourself until the end.
Get those golden sh*t shovels ready as we are going to dig deep into the details of how to deal with loss, grief, and discover how we can truly live. We are going to discuss how to come to grips when losing a loved one, how to cope, and becoming authentically you in the second half of life. Let’s start digging!
Steve’s Top 10 Thoughts on Creating a Meaningful Life
We are more whole when broken. How can we possibly hold onto the beauty of what remains while making peace with what was not beautiful? Steve says, “The beauty was created by removing, not by adding. I think that one of the things I know that one of the things my father's death came to teach me and one of the things death comes to teach all of us is how that stripping away, can leave behind for all of us a more beautiful life.” Don't let go of what you've learned don't let go of the upside of this terrible downside.
People face death exactly the way they face life. People die the way they live. A dysfunctional bickering, nasty family and life will be a dysfunctional bickering, nasty family in death. And so the fact that people face death, the way they face life is sometimes beautiful, and sometimes terrible. You should be with that person as they face death, exactly who you were with them in life. If you're a hugger, show up and hug. If you're a joker, show up and joke. If you're a listener, listen. Just be who you were with them in life, as they face death because that's what they need.
Grief is non-linear, it comes in waves. Stages of grief imply that grief is a linear process. If there's an order, first you feel A then B, then C, and so on. Then you're done. However, as Steve said, “Anyone who thinks that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, does not understand grief.” We are the only experts in our own grief. You will only know how to deal with your own grief, but it will more likely come in waves rather than stages. You can be moving along fine for a week, a month, a year, or hell even a decade, and then boom! A wave can rise and take you down without you expecting a thing. Ride the wave, deal with the grief, and come out on the other side.
Without death, life is meaningless. A great analogy that Steve shared was, “Nobody is moved by plastic flowers. Nobody cares. Do you know why? Because they have no death. They have no life. They're meaningless.” This is also true of us. We can use the thought of our aging as a way to create a more beautiful and meaningful life. You don’t necessarily have to have had a death in your life to start following this way of living.
The pandemic has made saying “I love you” much more effortless. You don’t want to live your life constantly worried if that was the last time you told someone in your life that you loved them. However, becoming more aware can make those moments more special. We can never have enough moments of holding our loved ones close and telling them “I love you.”
Death has a way of helping us see what really matters. By the time you see what really matters it’s often too late to do anything about it. We can start making a conscious effort to see what really matters before we get there.
Avoid using work as a way to suppress anxiety. Are you guilty of working so much to avoid something in your life? We tell ourselves that we are committed and we are working so hard to become successful..but it can also be a way to suppress anxiety. It can be frightening as we enter midlife and start to contemplate…what’s next? The earlier in life that you can avoid using work as a way to suppress anxiety will help you lead a more balanced life.
A busy life and a meaningful life are not the same things. Despite what we're all taught, it's not the same thing. Learn to slow down as we enter this new stage in life and create meaning in your day-to-day.
Just show up and be authentic. I don't think there's anything that brings more peace than being authentic for yourself and for others because people know when you're not being authentic. Just show up, be authentic, and don’t put on some phony act.
Don’t wait to enjoy your life. As cliche as it sounds…you really do only live once. When you sit down and really think about how many good years you have left it can be kind of sobering. However, shift your mindset to think of it as liberating and creating the time we have left as precious, meaningful, and doing the sh*t that we want to do! Don’t just work until the day you die…create a life with purpose and meaning.
As hard as it may be to deal with loss, realizing that your parents are nearing the end of their journey, and we will be following that path in the years to come, we don’t have to let it stop us. Shift our thoughts to creating meaning and purpose in our life. See what really matters, say “I love you” a little more often, show up, and enjoy your life. After all, this is our midlife remix and it’s our time!