Episode 30: Stop Explaining Yourself & Live Your Life!

Chris 0:00

unapologetic to me is a whole different level because you are not explaining to anybody what you're doing. You are truly living your life by your own playbook. And whatever that is, it just is and you put other people at ease when you operate that way because suddenly I look at you and say, Well, she can do that. Why? I guess I can do that, too.

Sarah Milken 0:22

Hey, peeps, welcome to the flexible neurotic podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Sarah Milken. Yeah, you heard that right. I'm a real PhD doctor. Long, long ago, like last fucking year. I was sitting in the midlife pump wondering, was this it for me? That day, I realized I needed to get off my ass and start my midlife remix. I dusted off my PhD wipe the menopause. What off my forehead, grabbed my golden shovel and started digging deep to all my midlife bitches. It's not just luck, coffee and hormones that get you through your midlife remix is action steps. Let's do this.

Hi, good peeps. This is the next episode of the flexible neurotic podcast. I'm Dr. Sarah Milken, the flexible neurotic today I have a cool guest if you could see her you would understand to the hair the earrings, the pink blouse, all of it. She's an author, speaker mama four. Yeah, I said four. I only have two and she has for managing director of beauty counter and she's in a countdown to her Ted x talk. Her name is Christina Glickman. She's the author of the Amazon best selling book extra the art of ba. We're going to talk about that gorgeous book today. Christina, this rad woman is known for her iconic fashion, beauty unique edge. And most of all for her message that she is teaching women that self growth is connected to what she calls unapologetic competence. If you check out her Instagram, you'll be blown away. Sit tight, this is gonna be fun.

Hi, Kristina.

Chris 2:12

Okay, thank you so much, I feel weepy with that introduction. And I would like to end it because the nice things you just said, Oh, thank you so much. That was so generous.

Sarah Milken 2:24

Oh my god so well deserved and just replayed for your kids when they think you're annoying. Just be like look what other people think of me other women in my genre

Chris 2:32

every five minutes, but I truly I'm, I'm honored to be here and share space with you. I love the work that you do. I love the conversations and the connections you make with people. So I've really been looking forward to spending time with you.

Sarah Milken 2:45

Oh, thank you. I'm so excited to have you so for every episode, I kind of just outline my intentions for the episode. So for me and you today, we are going to take our golden shit shovels like we always do, I'm sure you have plenty you probably have rhinestone pink spray paint all of it right? And we're gonna have an edgy conversation that's going to help us normalize and inspire our midlife self reinvention journey. We're calling this the midlife remix. We're going to talk about how Christina is teaching women in her private membership group, through her book and speaking engagements, that we have to give ourselves permission to be what she calls, unapologetically confident, and show up as only ourselves. We're going to get into the how, why and what if confidence in women's mid life, I'm going to ask Christina to share some of her tools in customizing midlife living our way. Christina says we can live with more joy with more meaning confidence, and more of doing shit we want to be doing. Are you ready, Christina?

Chris 3:52

I am so ready. And as saying all of these things, you know, it's like the hamster wheels going

Sarah Milken 3:59

away. Totally. I love it. I'm

Chris 4:02

ready.

Sarah Milken 4:02

So let's customize our lives with confidence. I'm going to tailor this chat a little bit because I have a feeling that we could go on for five hours and go all over the place into parenting and clothing and all sorts of things. But the overarching theme of our chat today is going to be the things we can do to live our best version of midlife in all of our own ways.

Chris 4:24

What do you think about that? Well, first of all, thank you for bringing that up. Because I think especially you know, at 48 I'm standing in the heat of that. And the first thing that I say to that is the power of pausing and reflecting where we are today and getting in real touch with what are our values which hopefully have changed, pivoted, evolved all the things, but certainly as a woman being able to say here I stand today whether I am a mother, caretaker, a spouse, a partner, wherever I might be, what are my core sets of values, and am I living those every day Am I paving that road to that future self? And sometimes yes, sometimes sucky, sometimes not. But the reality is that very few women allow themselves to pause and actually even ask themselves that question. So where am I today? Where might I be heading? And I just want to caveat that buy that can hold such bigness and scariness like it's like when somebody says, What's your purpose? And what's your story? Oh, no, I don't know. So hard. It's so hard. But if I can really dial that down and dissect it to today, how do I live the best version of me today and by best version, again, you get to define that. But for me, it's not it's no longer the success checklist. It's, do I feel joyful? Did I feel present with the people that I love? Am I actually carving out some time so that I can step into what I think are some future plans for myself? The way I define it, and then how I show up in it is so different than it was two years ago. So that question in and of itself, to me is powerful, and one that I would invite any listener to actually indulgent. Like, I don't care if it's in the Starbucks drive thru line, when you're by yourself, stop for a moment. And where am I in my mid life? Am I happy here? Do I want to stay here? Do I want to change things? Do I want to audit this? And there's no right or wrong? But my hope is that we continually ask that question. And be curious, I'm never gonna arrive. I'm never gonna check the box. I made it. I did it. I'm here for today. It's perfectly good enough. And I want to rest into that. And I don't want to hold so tight to something. It's exhausting to me. So at mid life, I'm letting go. I'm just letting go. And I'm here today. Sounds

Sarah Milken 6:44

good to me, sister. I'm in the same boat with you. I mean, look, I'm 47 a lot of my listeners know at 45 I really started to get the midlife Geez. And I'm like, Oh, my God, what's next? For me? My kids are teenagers, what am I going to do? And what I found on the this journey over the past year of creating this podcast, and the Instagram that goes with it is, so many of us are on this journey. And we're all searching for these answers. I don't think we ever like you said we I don't think we ever arrive at an answer. But as long as we know that we have meaning and purpose in our lives, and we like you said can make choices each day to bring joy because we can't live for this tomorrow have one I get to have 10,000 followers or when I get the TEDx talk, or when I publish that book, because you'll never be

Chris 7:37

happy. No. And I can really say with with full heart, that it wasn't only until a couple years ago that I got to that place. And now I really try to understand what's my energy, I'm bringing behind an intention, because that's what I'm trying to chase. I'm not actually trying to chase the outcome, or standing on that red.at TEDx. Like, that's the cherry, like, that's great. But it is that journey about who we get to, you know, become in that. And while that can sound cliche or generic, I believe with full heart, that that's what it's about. It's about the dash, it's about the middle, it's about the journey, it's about all those things. And when we are so aware and present to them, that's when the joy comes out. Because if I'm just chasing for whatever, like you said, that big paycheck or when my kid does this, or it's endless, and it's exhausting, and I will never fully be satiated.

Sarah Milken 8:32

And most of the time once you get that thing, then you're on to the next thing. And it doesn't even bring that satisfaction or joy for more than 15 minutes, maybe a few hours.

Chris 8:43

All the things though that we miss along that road that Yeah, because we are so laser focused on that one thing and I really feel that life is about all of the unannounced moments. And if I'm not willing to be aware that those things are happening and try to steal those moments, I'm really missing out because I do you know really subscribe to this feeling that the universe is not going to lesson let me Miss what's mine. I really feel that and I've had experiences where it's slapped me in the face and said, No, no, like, that was something that you were scared of and you were about to let it go. But the universe gave me a slap and was like No, come on over, get those guardrails back, come back to yourself here. And I think the only way that I knew that it was speaking to me that I was able to clear the noise out of my life, and really hear my voice the loudest.

Sarah Milken 9:36

And how did you do that? How did you begin to clear the noise? I mean, I talking about you were previously in an advertising agency, which is definitely like balls to the wall gritty, hard, stressful deadlines like bringing your most competitive, powerful self to the table. So how did you get from that to where you are Right now.

Chris 10:01

Yeah, I mean, obviously, it was quite a journey. I was in the advertising world for about 12 years, it's where I met my husband, who is still a creative director, and still does that work today. But at some point with all the kids, I decided to stay back, because two people in that industry, which is so ridiculous, but it is what it is, is just to top In my opinion, so I stayed home for a while, which is the life's work I wanted to do, and when my smallest child rocket was old enough to go to kindergarten, and I was itching to do a little bit more. And so then I, you know, got involved with this clean beauty movement of beauty counter. And I did that, and that felt so good, and it was organic. But what ended up happening a couple years ago is that I felt that there was this hole of creativity missing. And so I'm going to share this part because I do think that there's something in there, which is, it's really easy for me to connect the dots backwards to what's happened for me in the past two years. But I did not have one ounce of a plan. I had not one strategy in mind. I had that one outcome. It started with me saying to my husband, I'm missing some creativity in my life. I used to be creative, and now like I'm missing it. And he says we were What do you love? I'm like, why I love fashion. Okay, great. He's like, well, and he's also a photographer,

Sarah Milken 11:11

an incredible photographer.

Chris 11:14

He's a great photographer. Um, why don't I start taking pictures of you? I'm like, okay, I mean, right here behind me. And I wasn't even on Instagram, I only got on Instagram because at the time my teenage son was on there, and I wanted to know what he was doing. Totally,

Sarah Milken 11:28

that's my story, too. I didn't have an Instagram accounts since till until September, last September.

Chris 11:34

So so I wasn't part of that world. And I started taking pictures. And again, no, no desire. And and I don't mean this judgmentally. But to be an influencer or a tag my clothes, or that just didn't give me any joy, right? People would ask me all the time, where did you get that? What's that? Sure, I'll share it. But what ended up happening in that process is that I let go of why I was doing it. And I was just getting the joy out of putting outfits together, having the pictures. And I just kind of let myself go. And I kept thinking to myself, wow, the way I show up in the world is obviously this armor of my aesthetic, because it's a strong one. But it's really about the words I have inside. And so I decided to put pen to paper. And I was like, I think I need to do a book about how I feel about this. And again, that sounds crazy, because I'm not this writer and I had no intention of doing a book and again, no plan for it. Right?

Sarah Milken 12:33

That's the beauty of it.

Chris 12:34

Why are you doing a book? What does it mean?

Sarah Milken 12:36

Am I good enough to do this? Who's gonna fucking read that book? I don't know,

Chris 12:40

I had to stay from day one. And no joke. I had a publisher that I ended up firing because she said, no one's gonna read this because the the fonts are different is this, this is a coffee table book is that and I said, You're not for me. I'm doing this for myself. And I know that my family will read it. And even if they think that it sucks, they're going to still love me. So the consequences to this action is really nothing for me, whatever, I have a crappy book out in the world. No one's dying. So I'm going to do it. And so I did it. And again, I go back to the journey of being able to say I'm doing it for me. It's the same way I feel about social media. Anything that I share, I post for me. I mean, that not to be rude, but I do it for me. And I think that sometimes we're women also get lost, at least the woman I talked to is that we're so worried what other people think about us, which is very natural. I mean, I still feel that I mean, I'm human, but it doesn't paralyze me or dictate my my motion. Right? I think about it. And I want to something where I've got like double chins and gross

Sarah Milken 13:47

I'll but I did remember reading something about you where you said when you first started posting the outfits, you had your head cut off?

Chris 13:54

Yeah, if you want to go to my Instagram, the beginning, my head's put off on everything,

Sarah Milken 13:57

because you started off in that place of Well, people judge me. So how did you get from there to Hey, I'm talking here, look, look what I'm doing.

Chris 14:07

And it was small movement every day. Because I always say that movement is hope. And it was slow, right? In the beginning. I got all the questions. What are you doing? Are you trying to be a model? Are you trying to be an influencer? All those things cut away. So the narrative that I would love to change with women is, please stop, please stop doing it. Instead, look at your friend and say, You said whatever. Wow, I noticed you're doing something different. How can I support you? I love that. We'll make the best sex you've ever made. But what we do is that passive aggressiveness because I think what ends up happening is that we see somebody else doing something, which is the reflection that we're not 100% and that champion someone when you don't feel good about yourself, and there's nothing wrong with saying, gosh, I'm in such a shitty place right now. But I'm happy for you, but I just feel like junk. That's okay, too. But I think for me, I had to learn Like I said, not look around, decide, this is what I want to do. Explain nothing. I don't owe anybody an explanation of what I'm doing, doing because I want to do it, end of story. And so what ended up happening from there was I realized, how am I hiding my face? How am I perfect? That's me, what am I hiding from? So I realized in that moment that in order for me to show up as much as I could, I had to peel back a little bit. And that's really how it got to them the book and the community and, and all the things because I really just decided that I was okay, sitting in the unknown, I was okay. Not looking outside myself for validation. I think

Sarah Milken 15:44

the moral of the story is, we all have to get okay with doing us doing you putting blinders on, not because you don't care about what else is going on in the world, but because you can't be a poor sponge all the time, and take in what everyone else is saying along the way, you really have to sort of think about doing you and normalizing that. And I think that that's part of this podcast is, for me, normalizing doing you. I mean, there are things I've talked about, like, I stopped breastfeeding my kids when they were six weeks old. You know, people in the baby classes were like that God, like What a weird bad mom. And I just would sit there and go, but I'm doing me and this is what works for me. And this works for my family. And I don't need to explain it to anybody.

Chris 16:32

I wish I had the confidence I have now when I had my first child, because, you know, breastfeeding was horrible. For me. I feel like it ruins the first two experiences of my kids. Whereas with the third one I barely gave birth that I was like, wrap these suckers up walking. Because what I learned was, that's just stupid, right? Now, I would go to the doctor, and he'd like, you know, raise her sleeping in her crib, right? I'm like, Oh, yes, every night. Meanwhile, she'd never even seen her bedroom. Like she's being older, right? It's just, you learn. And so what I've been, you know, I would love with with communities of women that are younger is to just instill because unapologetic confidence, it bleeds into every single thing, it bleeds into what you're going to order at dinner, to how we're dealing with, you know, in the pandemic, with, are you sending your kid to soccer or a

Sarah Milken 17:23

sack, and I want to stop for a second, I want to ask how you define unapologetic confidence.

Chris 17:30

I mean, unapologetic confidence for me is, you know, you can be confident and bold. And that does not mean being the loudest in the room, it doesn't mean it's an energy in a presence that you're comfortable in your own skin. But unapologetic, to me is a whole different level, because you are not explaining to anybody what you're doing, you are truly living your life by your own playbook. And whatever that is, it just is. And it's a way to show up, I think with the energy that also gives permission to other people to operate in that way to it's not, you know, bossy or big, or any of those things. It's just you can feel that presence. And you put other people at ease when you operate that way. Because suddenly I look at you and say well, she can do that, why I guess I can do that too. And and unapologetic is not being all knowing it's, you know, if I had to come on this podcast and pretend to be a master or a guru, I would be, you know, shaking because I'm not, I'm going to show up as myself. And that's all I can give. That's all I can give. And when I do that I suddenly disarmed myself and anyone around me from anything else, because I'm just going to show up as me. And that's all I can ask of anybody else. But we are so afraid that if you really see me that maybe you won't like me, maybe I'm not smart enough, maybe I don't look as good. Maybe I don't. And I just keep saying, No, it doesn't matter. Right? Do I like me? Am I doing the best I can. It has to be about honoring that relationship with myself first. And am I committed to that?

Sarah Milken 19:04

And what about those women who don't have it? Because I remember reading when you said you got to beauty counter, you realize that there were so many beautiful and wonderful women, but they didn't feel good about themselves. And that was part of your reason for wanting to do this work. So how do you teach or share with women this energy of Hey, you are enough, just as you are you don't have to look like me. You don't have to do a TEDx talk. You don't have to write a book. Whatever it is, that is bringing you joy, whether it's cooking a meal for your kids, which I know you and I both share that lack of cooking,

Chris 19:46

cooking and I was gonna be like, you got the wrong person.

Sarah Milken 19:48

No, no, no, I'm 100% honest about it. Like never happening. I'm the worst. It's a known fact. Whoa, I don't even bother anymore. I don't either but What How do you teach women? If the relationship with ourselves is the anchor for everything? And there are so many women who don't think they are enough? Where do they get the energy to create that confidence?

Chris 20:13

Yeah, I mean, obviously, there's a bucket full of answers. Yes, the first thing that comes to mind is, who are you surrounding yourself with your community is everything. And so again, I know it's not this easy, but we are a product of our environment. So normally, when I talk to someone, and they, you know, are looking for more confidence, number one is even understand where our competence base comes from. It's no surprise, right? You feel bad about yourself, maybe you had a parent that told you your crappy little life, like, it's really not a surprise what why we are wired the way we are. And just an understanding of that is is a great place to begin. Because it also just acknowledges and validates that, you know, I came into this world with 100%, self esteem, but slowly, whether it was in sixth second grade on a soccer field, or it was in college at a sorority house, I got knocked down, what happens. So understanding that and then the second piece of that, again, not in this order, is to find a community and I say, of women that can lift you up and support you and make you feel good about yourself, because we're not meant to do it alone. And the power of somebody else being able to mirror back to you. And I don't necessarily mean a coach, I mean, sure, if you want to coach, but there has to be, whether it's a good friend, and if you don't feel like you have that community, something that you can feel that you come alive in a space that you're safe, because there's nothing like being held by other women, and not being seen and heard and, and feeling like you're okay. And as you do here on your podcast, normalizing these things, is everything, everything, everything.

Sarah Milken 21:56

I had no idea so many women were in the same boat I was in, I just created the concept of the podcast, like, Hey, I'm in midlife, I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. I'm starting this podcast, starting this mid life journey, come along with me, and let's like discover it along the way. But that's

Chris 22:15

hard. But thank goodness that you had the bones about yourself to actually do it. Because, again, and this is where I think a lot of women stopped short, which is, I'm not special. I don't have anything new to say, you know, so I'm not going to share, right? I mean, I could play that game all day long. All day long. I couldn't be you, whatever, dime a dozen. But I always take it back to but nobody's you. And I need to we're story from you. Because you may not resonate with me. But you may resonate with someone else. And that one person, you've changed their life. And it's so true, right? There's somebody that always ends up speaking to us, or they ask the right question or so what if we didn't use our voices? What if we and I don't mean that everybody has to come out of the gate? You know, guns a blazing, hear me roar? I just mean, can you step into yourself a little bit more each day. And that's really where the idea of extra was born. Because for me extra wasn't what most people think, which is, you know, my puffy shoulders and the hair and the whole thing extra was how do you show up in life with just a little bit more? Because for me, that's always been I think, what has me where I am on this journey today, when people ask me, like, how did you don't get to this place, which I don't even know what that means. But I think it's because from the time I was small, I always gave a little bit more. You tell me you want 10? to kind of give you 11? That was never exceptional at anything, right? wasn't like, you know, valedictorian, or was champ like me, there was never any of those things. But I always, you know, worked really hard. Always try. And I always gave all of myself. And I think that that's also it, which is that women can feel very beaten down at this stage in life, whether or not it's the transition for older kids, or maybe they don't actually have the life they thought they would have at this age, or whatever it might be. It's like, I want to take their shoulders, and I want to look at them and just say, You are so good enough right now. And the possibilities for you on the other side of you just say yes to yourself are there. And I just want them to try to give themselves and for me, the community that I have, that first step is that they give 90 minutes at a time to each other into the space. So whatever it is for somebody whether or not it's reading a good book, or a conversation with somebody, it's just the idea that you're going to open the door to say, I'm worth the opportunity to find out what's next for me. And I think that we've put so many titles and badges on what's next. That's the scary part. If I just knew I wanted to be a dentist well, hells bells, that's easy. Tell me where to go to school. Yeah, most of us at this age and era are wildly talented, but we haven't used any of those talents in a very long time. We don't even know what to do with them. And so we get stuck and instead of moving Before word, five years parents, and it's just not good. I also think

Sarah Milken 25:04

that when you come from a performative mindset, which I definitely did, it was like I was gonna go to these schools and get these grades and get these degrees. And then I decided to be caught, you know, be a stay at home mom for 16 years. And then when I come back at it, I'm like, How the fuck do I start over? How do I start small? How do I be scared? And do it any way? How do I realize that my husband isn't dropping off a box or Amazon isn't dropping off a box with a self recreated identity for me? Like how? And so somehow, you know, people say, Well, how did you start this podcast? Like, how did you have enough courage to just like, basically throw shit at a wall and put yourself out there? And I'm like,

Chris 25:51

I actually did it.

Sarah Milken 25:53

The only thing I did was say, like, okay, I come from this Performance Base place. If, like you said, If I looked at the outcome of, Okay, if I'm not Bernie brown tomorrow on her podcast level, where would I be? So I just said, you know, what, if the the opposite of performative in my mind is vulnerable? Yeah, right. But vulnerable, in some ways imply, you know, it sometimes has like, an interesting connotation, like, are you a victim? Are you like, somehow less than, but in my mind, the vulnerability piece is just being honest. It's like, Hey, I'm here. I'm 46. Now I'm new to this. I'm starting small. I'm really scared, but I'm doing it anyway. Support me, I'm going to support you. And let's all just do us.

Chris 26:42

Yeah, I know, right? Isn't that just a beautiful thing? It is, imagine so hard, it's so hard. But here's the thing, that road is much easier for you if you have a road line with cheerleaders. 100%. So that's why community to me is the key. And I didn't know that until a year ago, either. No idea. I've never, and I don't wear this as a badge. I've never gotten help, not because I don't want to invest in myself, or I don't think I'm good enough. None of those things I just did. I just had my you know, just doing my thing, doing my thing. It never occurred to me that a collection of women could change my life in that way, in that way. And so, again, you sharing your journey, and where you're at me sharing where I'm at, somebody will hear something and say, Okay, well, why not? Me?

Sarah Milken 27:33

100% I get so many messages, and I'm sure you do, too. And it's not even like, Hey, I'm starting a podcast because you started a podcast, it could even just be, oh, I decided I'm going to take tennis lessons. Or I've been wanting to start this like scrapbook company. And I haven't really had the courage to do it. But you start you showed that you were scared, and you kind of just ran with it. It's also that judgment piece, like how do we fight that, like fear of that outside judgment? And just do it anyway?

Chris 28:06

I mean, for me, it's just a muscle to exercise. And I mean, that's it. I mean, the only way to, you know, get through it is to go through it. Hopefully, it always exists. It always exists, I feel. And again, for me to ever, you know, I get questioned a lot about when I'm just sharing myself and somebody will say, well, aren't you the confidence guru? And why do you feel that way? And I always say, you know, I have a running heartbeat here. I'm human, I'm scared. I'm scared, I've all the things. But again, it's not going to stop me from moving forward. And that's that's just where I want to get people. And I think what you said was really important, too was women don't need to come out of the gate in this new new life chapter or season of life with, I want to do a podcast or I want to do a book, it literally is like, I've always loved pottery, maybe I'll look into that. Like, I don't care what it is, I don't care if it's 100%.

Sarah Milken 28:57

That's exactly how I feel weight. And so

Chris 29:01

I that's also just something I try to share that just because I happen to have a journey where the platform seems to have bigger things, right? Just like speaking which can sound scary. It's actually it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You want to like grow tomatoes, and like that's what's going to give you joy, the essence of that. That's the real thing, because it's not about the outcome or the success of it, or it just isn't, and I have people all the time even asking me now they always want to know what's next. And again, I will always assume good intentions. Nobody's trying to, you know, make me feel bad. But they'll say, Oh my gosh, so what happens after the TEDx talk and what's going on here? And I always just pause. And, and I for me. One, I don't know. Number two, I'm actually not planning any of that. And I'm not suggesting that that's right, or that it's not smart business, but it's just not a place. I'm coming from these days. The place I'm coming From these days is complete and utter present awareness today. And that's where I want to live right now, I know there's a million smart business plans that could be making, I'm not, I want to soak up the experiences that I'm having, I want to lean into them. And I'm going to trust that the universe has me. And I'm going to and again, doesn't mean I'm stupid. But it just means that I don't want to manufacture an engineer at that level, because it's not feeding my soul. So I just have to stop. I also

Sarah Milken 30:31

think it's interesting, because living in the moment is also self protective in a weird way, right? Because if you're not always thinking about, well, what's next, or what's the benchmark going to be, it sort of takes the judgment down a little bit. And that's an A good way, absolutely isn't a good way. And it's sort of like, let's be messy, and getting more comfortable in the messy and less focus on like, what the outcome is gonna be people say to me all the time, well, what's your next step? Like, what's your larger vision for your podcast, and I'm like, I'm embarrassed to say this, but I don't fucking know. And I just say it. And it makes me feel better.

Chris 31:10

And I hope you take out on the I'm embarrassed to say it, because that, to me is a beautiful thing, which is just the fact that, you know, you're present, you're here with me right now, right? And we're doing this and we have yet to understand the outcome of what this conversation is, and where it will go. Or if you and I collaborate later, or, but I know that I come here, pure heart, right? And so that's really a gift. And, sadly, you know, the the judgment thing about what we're doing, I always talk to women about, you know, what is the consequence of the action holding you back, right? If they say I want to do XYZ. And for me, it's like, if everybody in my world is safe and loved, there's very few things I won't do, right? Like if the consequence to the action of you showing up on social media is that you think that your girlfriend that you work out with at the gym, it's gonna be like, Why'd you do that?

Sarah Milken 32:00

The carpool line is you'd be like, Why is she wearing makeup and carpool?

Chris 32:05

Totally, whatever it might be, which is real, by the way. Yeah. Is it so bad, like kids to love you, your spouse or partner does no one's dying. And so that's always my benchmark, which is like, it's not so bad. Like, again, even putting a book out into the world where, you know, I always joke that it was all fun and games until people got their Amazon boxes, because it lived with me ever laid eyes on it. So it's like, it's all fun, like, Oh, you did a book jazz hands. It's so great. But then people got it. And I was like crapping my pants. You know, again, and you know, not to be Debbie Downer, but I've experienced a lot of loss in my life. So for me, there's very few things that are that big of a deal. Yeah, like, it's just not. And you know this that no one really cares about you anyways,

Sarah Milken 32:55

I know that's the funny thing is people always say, well, aren't you scared of what people are gonna say or think and I'm like, kind of care more about themselves than they care.

Chris 33:05

Anyways, that's so like, I mean, I can't I don't even know what to do with that. It's like, all that kind of stuff makes me crazy, because it shuts down dreams before they happen totally on

Sarah Milken 33:17

the flip side to is that there might be women who are doing stuff you want to be doing. And they're like you said earlier, there might be a threat of jealousy, envy, admiration, but clap for that woman, and figure out what morsels and golden nuggets you can take from that and bring to your own life and do your own version of it.

Chris 33:41

And also this idea, though, that there is room for everyone, everyone. Because, again, when you run in sort of the circles that I do now, with everything from, you know, motivational speakers, and coaches and self help, I can say, purely, I never feel threatened by anyone. I'm not intimidated by their success, I'm inspired, because I'm not them. And you might be good at something that I'm not good at, or better for somebody, but I just have to stay true to that. I'm okay with my messaging and what I do, and I'll attract the right people that are meant to be attracted to me, but that there's no scarcity mindset here. You know, there's plenty. And I think that a lot of people don't operate that way, right? Because they think well, if she's doing that, then there's no room for me or I can't do

Sarah Milken 34:27

that. And it's like, there's three bazillion podcasts? Yeah, of course, like, I'm not gonna do a podcast because someone else is already doing that podcast or, you know, 50 other women are talking about the same topic. Yeah, but they're not me. But they're not the people who want to listen to my podcasts are gonna be here. But that's very it's easy to say and harder to actually do. So I know it's not great to fake it to make it but sometimes you do have to be scared and do that. Anyway. You just do.

Chris 34:58

Oh I joke. It's like I'm unsettled every day. That's how I

Sarah Milken 35:03

my nervous system is mentally deranged?

Chris 35:06

How do I get to that part have settled on it, you know what my ground floor is, it really comes down to my family. If they're okay, I can really get through anything, right? Worst thing, I don't know, I just feel that for me, at this point in my life, what drives me is, is really for women to see the power that they have, and to use it to make themselves the best version of themselves.

Sarah Milken 35:35

So it's basically asking yourself, what do I want me or Christina? And what is the real consequence? If I tried to do that, and it doesn't work out, or if I do it, and it does work out? Yeah. And those are two basic questions, right?

Chris 35:56

Are and some women really are afraid and to have success problems, right? things when I put this into the universe, and I've manifested it, and it's coming true, and am I prepared for that? Because I guess I just also feel that, you know, again, I feel like I say such pithy things. But, you know, tomorrow isn't promised, right? It's this precious gift? And how dare I waste today thinking that I shouldn't be the most joyful I can be right? It's actually not about anything more than that. Like I actually don't want to spend my days not really feeling happy.

Sarah Milken 36:37

Well, what do you do on those shit ass days? Christina? When you don't feel like getting the makeup on and putting the hoops on? And being a motivational speaker? Oh,

Chris 36:47

gosh, yeah, for sure. By the way, it happens often. Number one is I allow myself to feel that I'm going to literally go do my Netflix, I'll you know, sit with my cake. I'll do whatever I feel like doing. But what I've gotten really good at is I always say like, I don't check into that hotel. I don't stay there very long. I allow myself to get there. But for me, the best gift of my life is the start of a new day. So I know that I need the day. If I'm feeling crappy, or, or upset or discouraged, whatever it might be. One, I don't talk myself out of it. I stay there. Like I just I feel like this, I want to feel like this. But most of the time that next morning, I'm going to get up doesn't mean I'm going to be skipping, but it's a new day. Maybe the sun is out. I have an opportunity to start over. And guess what some of those times that second day is crappy too. I'm just like, I'm not. I'm not done here. But I'm going to try my best and I think that know a few things. Having the expectation that those those days are here and will continue to come Israel. Some days we are so on fire, right? everything's working. So

Sarah Milken 37:54

bro. Yeah, like in a flow day, you're nailing it like your hairs, right? failing it, all of it. And that like yesterday, I was in pajamas half the day, because I was like trying to prepare for this podcast. Yeah, you're wearing your pink pajama blouse. Except it doesn't look like a pajama boss on you. But I just was like, I just wasn't feeling it yesterday.

Chris 38:16

Yeah. And so number one, I like to remember that for as strong as I'm not feeling it, I've lived long enough to know, I will feel it again. Totally. So like, just sit there for a minute, I am lucky enough that I don't have a chemical imbalance so I can bounce back. Whereas I know some people don't. And they're going to need medication or they're going to need so I'm very aware that I'm lucky that my balance is there. So I can sit with it for a while and then it come out. But the expectation that those days won't happen, I think is hard, right? Like, I know full well that even if the Optus look like somebody living the life that they're not and not because I want to take them down. But I'm aware enough that that's not real life like no, it looks like they're killing it. They might be having a great success or a season or whatever. But they have their struggles. I don't know what they are. Yeah, but

Sarah Milken 39:08

so in between the killing it feelings. There's definitely everyone has a backstory.

Chris 39:14

Oh gosh, Yeah, it is. But I think sometimes I, at least from what I've heard in my community, women need to be reminded of that, because and that's again, where I'm going to go back to the power of a collective storytelling with women and what you're doing here, they need to hear it. Because if we're left alone with our thoughts, it's a little dangerous

Sarah Milken 39:42

in terms of the midlife it cheese, with women in your group, what are you hearing like on the ground from these women of what they're wanting,

Chris 39:52

they're wanting to get back to something for themselves because most of them are mothers. They've dedicated will So their lives are raising their kids. And it doesn't mean that they don't have a job, you know, but the job that they have isn't the one that's fulfilling that they can't wait to get up and go to work. So they want to do something that fills them up.

Sarah Milken 40:13

Purpose is a hell of an alarm clock, as they say, right. And sometimes being a mom is enough on like, a very basic fundamental level. But then you just need that like, extra little thing. Yeah. And that's where that's how I felt.

Chris 40:31

Yeah. I mean, in some of the women in the group, and this is not a joke, literally, like, they make sourdough bread together, like now they connect, and they like, go on FaceTime, and they're so happy. I mean, we're talking, this is my whole thing. These are small moments. Life is not about the big aha, the big moment can be, but for me, it's like, how do I chase and get that little bit of joy every day? Because cumulatively, I'm just gonna be happier.

Sarah Milken 40:56

Yeah, it's small moments. It's making the sourdough bread. It's watching the funny movie, it's seeing White Lotus and reporting back to your friends. It is the small things for sure. But it's also the big things of like, what the fuck am I going to do with myself now, like, my son is 17 and my daughter's 15. And, like, I still, you know, women are, we're all living so much longer. So to say, You're too old for something, you're, it's not even possible. We have so many years ahead of us to make the life, the second half of life the way we want to. And with experience,

Chris 41:39

other thing that we talk a lot about was just, you know, getting curious, because a lot of us haven't ignited that feeling in ourselves in a long time. Because who the hell has time to get curious when you are like, taking care of kids and being an Uber driver doing all the things like,

Sarah Milken 41:53

well, what's funny is we're busy making our kids want to be curious about life. Like, I know, your kids go to Montessori, schools, my kids, my kids go to, like a similar type thing now and it's like, you're trying to Oh, try this, Jake, try that project date, Jake, try this. But we don't apply those same standards for ourselves. And when they fuck up, or they hate it, or whatever, we're like, No, you got to go back at it. But then we don't do that same thing to ourselves. We're like, up, we failed. We're done.

Chris 42:21

Yeah. Oh, absolutely. I mean, because I think we're trying to, you know, create better versions of ourselves through our kids, right, like your person. And so I do think that there is such a different moment in time for women and, you know, reclaiming their voices. Because we do have now this runway, that's much different than the past. And it's time, right?

Sarah Milken 42:43

Is time.

What's your advice for having women figure out a way to give themselves permission to do things their own way?

Chris 42:58

Sure. I mean, number one, no one's going to hand it to you. So I don't know what you're waiting for. But no one's going to tap you on the shoulder to say, oh, now it's your time, or Now it's your turn, or now, you've got to have the wherewithal within yourself, that you deserve more, and that you come to the table with an abundance mindset, that I deserve an abundance within my relationships within within my, you know, with it with money with all of it. And I think that for some women, it's a practice, they need to do a gratitude journal, they need to do prompts every day they need to whatever it is that they need to change that mindset. And every exercise for somebody is different, right? I mean, you meditate somebody, right? Somebody, but it's that idea that there is no waiting, right? And so the time is now for them to really understand that they have the agency to choose, no one else does. And that to me, is just practice for some women when it's not natural.

Sarah Milken 44:01

Yeah. And I also think another important part of this, which we talked about earlier, too, is you just have to fucking start. Like sometimes you're thinking about like, you want to start a Baking Company, or whatever. But like maybe you just start with like a baking project that relates to your neighbors or like everybody on your blog, but I think we get so bogged down in Oh, I can't do that. It's like too many steps. It's too long, like, I'm not good enough. But it's finding that one thing that you can do that day that sending that email that's so hard, and saying yes sooner to things that maybe aren't 100% perfect, either, like an opportunity that comes your way, like you miss someone might ask you to be on a podcast, it may not be like 100% exactly what you wanted to do that day, but you said yes. And it led to 17 other things.

Chris 44:55

But I think it's because you attach yourself to the outcome. And so you You have to figure that out, which is if I say yes to do this, I want a guarantee that this will happen. And I don't think that's how it works. I think that you should say yes to things that are aligned with you and 100%. Yeah. And something will come. But the most want validation in the moment. I'm going to show up every day, and I'm going to filter myself through my own values. And if I continue to do that, the goodness will come. I don't know in what shape or form, but I believe it to be true. And so that's just what I'm going to do.

Sarah Milken 45:31

And there might be some shit days in between, or my you're not gonna die. Yeah, you're not gonna die. Nobody's gonna die. And you said, and everybody's gonna be okay. Now, before we wrap up, what I do want to ask you is quickly about your TED Talk. Sure, what is it? I don't even know when this episode is airing. So it might have happened, your TED Talk might have happened already, by the time this comes out. But the question is, what is your TED talk about? How do you feel and what's happening?

Chris 46:05

I feel terrifying. I can't wait to be listening to this one. It's over. I've been on this journey since January. So it's a long, long, road long. So I'm ready. I'm ready. Ready to do it? It is in September. So depending when folks listen to this, the topic is about women losing their identity and the pandemic.

Sarah Milken 46:30

Ah, so it's specifically the identity during the pandemic. Yes. So it could be pandemic mix with midlife.

Chris 46:40

into, you know, the the precipitous to it is that, you know, women really lost their voices during the pandemic, because almost 2 million women left the workforce, and half of them have not been hired back. So now we are in a state where truly for gender parity, it's going to take us 136 years to gain that. That's so crazy. So what has happened to the women's workforce and women's rights, in this time of the pandemic, has been excruciating. And so what do we need to do? And for me, it's a reminder that when you look back in that course of history, it's always been women, there has been a part of any movement for change, whether it's voting rights, or me to or blacklist you, whatever you name. And it's primarily women of color that have been at the forefront of all these movements. So I'm telling you now that it's still our team, we can't forget all the women that came before us, and it's our job to keep going. And so it's really just a discussion on there. And, again, pandemic or not, um, I think it's relevant.

Sarah Milken 47:59

Now that we have shoveled our ship for today, Christina, I hope everyone's love the golden nuggets as much as I have. I've loved digging deep with you with our golden shovels. If people want to find you, where can they find you?

Chris 48:12

They can just find me on Instagram at Christina Glickman pretty easy, my whole life kind of lives there. So everything from books, to memberships to coachings, to Ted to

Sarah Milken 48:22

all the clothing to puppies to brownies,

Chris 48:26

brownies, the whole story lives.

Sarah Milken 48:30

I love it. Think about what shit you can start doing today. One small step. I want to thank Cristina for sharing her story, her book called extra tools in establishing deeper confidence within ourselves showing up for ourselves and just doing it our way. PS you're going to come back and talk to us about the TED Talk. And I want to thank you for sharing your tools on how to be unapologetically confident in the second half of life and hence this podcast Christina Glickman,

Chris 48:59

oh, my goodness, thank you for having me.

Sarah Milken 49:07

Hey, peeps, it's me again. I listened to this episode with Christina Glickman, so I could summarize the golden nuggets for you to have actionable items to start using today. I know that when I listened to a long episode, I'm like, Oh my god, I love that. But then I can't even fucking remember the specifics. This is why I come back and do a golden nugget summary. In this episode, we found the sweet spot discovering how Christina describes unapologetic confidence and what we need to do to get closer to it. Christina is a TEDx speaker, author and motivational speaker, Golden Nugget number one, self growth is connected to unapologetic confidence. Golden Nugget number two relationships with ourselves are our anchor for everything. Golden Nugget number three, who do you have in your personal community, the people you surround yourself with are helping To build you, everyone wants to feel seen and heard. Your personal community helps to normalize things in your life. Golden Nugget number four, truly nobody is you. Even if a million other people are doing what you want to be doing your way will be different. You can change one person's life. Golden Nugget number five, being extra. The name of Christina's book is not about being fancy or having the cool shoes. It's about asking yourself, if you can do a little bit extra a small step into yourself a bit more each day. Golden Nugget number six, the midlife self journey process is not about the outcome. All you can think about is a small one step ahead of you. Golden Nugget number seven, two questions to ask yourself before you take a step number one, what do I really even fucking want? Number two, what is the real and most harsh consequence or outcome of what your step is? If you're publishing a book, are you afraid that no one will like it? And you ask yourself what is the consequence of no one liking it? Will anyone die? Will my family be okay? If they are okay and no one's gonna die? Then just take the fucking step. Golden Nugget number eight, give yourself permission to have shit days and don't talk yourself out of it. It's okay. The gold is dripping off these nuggets, grab it use it. There are three things you can do first is subscribe to this podcast. Second is share it with some friends who might like some midlife shit. And third, write an app overview and send me a screenshot and I'll send you a flexible neurotic mob. Oh and of course, follow me and my Instagram at the flexible neurotic. Talk soon.