Thx Hawaii! That Was Rad…Midlife Injuries. WTF!?
Sarah Milken 0:04
Hey peeps, welcome to the flexible neurotic podcast. I'm your host Dr. Sarah Milken. Yeah, you heard that right. I'm a real PhD doctor. Long, long ago like last fucking year. I was sitting in the midlife pump wondering, was this it for me? That day I realized I needed to get off my ass and start my midlife remix. I dusted off my PhD, wipe the menopause, sweat off my forehead, grabbed my golden shit shovel and started digging deep to all my midlife pitches. It's not just luck, coffee and hormones that get you through your midlife remix. It's action steps. Let's do this. Hi, peeps. This is Dr. Sarah Milken, the flexible neurotic and this is the flexible neurotic podcast. I told you on Instagram that I'm starting a golden shit show minisode series. So here goes. I've already had a clusterfuck of a morning. I've lived nine mornings this morning. I have a son who's 17 I'm sure you guys have heard me talk about him. 1000 times his name is Jake. I thought he had COVID this weekend. He missed his formal he did not have COVID. He actually ended up having tonsillitis. I took him yesterday and had him tested for COVID For the third time negative had him tested for flu negative strap negative moto negative thank God for all of that. But he does have tonsillitis. So I've basically been like his nursemaid for the past few days, and he couldn't drive my daughter to school my 15 year old daughter Marin, so I had the pleasure of driving her crankiest to school this morning after everything else was my fucking fault this morning. She couldn't find her eyedrops, even though there's 300 boxes in her bathroom. That humidifier that she's using in her room because her throat and skin are dry, was too close to her bed. That was somehow my fault. And it made her sheets wet on the side of her mattress. I mean, honestly, you would think I was the worst fucking mom on the planet. But anyway, we made it to school. Of course, she was four minutes late. That was somehow my fault even though her toast wasn't fucking ready. But I was already dressed with my makeup on and my red leper leggings because why not piss off a 15 year old actually, that early in the morning and I hadn't even had my coffee. I didn't even get my coffee and oatmeal until I got home. gave my son 14 different medications made him pasta with butter. That's what a 17 year old eats for breakfast when he's not feeling well. But I am now recording here for you. Wait, my husband is accessing my computer from work, because he's trying to help me upload a file while I'm recording. Let's see if it screws up the audio. Hmm. Okay, he's my tech assistant from work today. Hopefully he will figure that out. But in the next few minutes, I want to take the next 15 ish minutes. These are female minutes Jewish female minutes Jewish female midlife minutes. So it could be longer could be shorter. I don't really know. So I've been thinking about this concept of what we can do in a fucking year of our lives. So much shit can happen. So I've been thinking that if I dive in with this golden shit show series, I can take you guys through what the last 17 months of my life have been like. And I feel like so many of you are going to relate to a lot of this because it's the midlife shit show. I decided that I was going to go through all of these different sort of vignettes for you guys, each minisodes going to cover a segment of the last 17 months. So if you're new here, hello, buckle your fucking seat belts. Even if it crushes one boob or gives you amid waste muffin top.
Sarah Milken 4:13
That's my fucking favorite. We're gonna get really nitty gritty here. There's going to be some honesty, some humor, some like crassness and basically complete TMI, as my teenagers and husband would say, look, a lot of us feel stuck in midlife, everything can seem so unattainable, and you just feel like what the fuck like what's next for us? Like, I want to lose 10 pounds. I want to find the discipline to meditate. I'm promising myself I'm going to do X, Y and Z. My teenagers are making me crazy. I'm getting texts from my daughter every five seconds that she needs a haircut appointment, and she needs her hair brush. Lily and and what about her eyebrows? And then my son it's like he needs this for Bitcoin and this, this and this and I'm like, can't you just fucking study college is coming. But anyway, this whole set past 17 months has made me think about both stuckness and aliveness. That's what the last 17 months I've felt like for me sort of like these interesting extremes of feeling completely and utterly fucking stock. And then other times feeling so alive. So creative, so fresh. So I wrote out this quote that I think sums it up. In the last 17 months, I have lived through a pandemic with two teenagers, and aging parents, a broken wrist and a rib started a podcast and Instagram from scratch. I learned how to attach an email, I got frozen shoulder, and I basically blood and sweat through my clothes for a month took four teenagers on the ski trip while my husband stayed home and moved us from our old house to our new house. I sold a house remodel the house, moved into the new house, had my daughter start high school, my son dove into the second half of high school. And in all of that, the best of all, and the worst of all, is that I chose me in all of it. That is what I did. I chose me. So when I first started my Instagram and podcast, I was like, okay, too much TMI and chatting about personal stuff is going to drive people crazy. And it's just going to be like overkill. But then I when I realized that, that's what women were wanting. I was like, okay, game on. At first, I felt uncomfortable. Like, I don't want to be that fucking overshare a woman on Instagram who's like, telling you every single thing that happens in a day or every single feeling that I had. But what was interesting about it is I felt, the more I shared, the more interactivity I got from women, people were sending me like a bazillion messages a day like laughing and saying, oh my god, you're so relatable. Like, oh my God, thank you so much for saying that you like pee on yourself when you jump on a trampoline because sometimes you feel like you're the only fucking one you might like know on like a logical level that you're not. But it's so nice knowing that like a normal woman will I'm calling myself normal like another relatable woman is like feeling and getting all those same kind of feelings that you are like, am I enough? Am I peeing on myself? Why the fuck am I sweating? Why am I moody Bitch, why do I feel like I need to carry a pitchfork through my life. And then something like changed and all of this and because I was getting so many messages from listeners and all of you. I was like, You know what? I'm going to take the bull by the horns and just fucking show you what's going on in my life. I mean, obviously, I can't show every single thing because then my teenagers and my husband would definitely leave me. But I decided to say fuck it. Everyone's going to be in therapy for something so it might as well be for my Instagram and for my podcast. And that's how the golden shit show TMI is going to go down. I let the cat out the bag, the pin yada explode it. The flexible neurotic podcast Instagram went TMI.
Sarah Milken 8:32
Hey, peeps popping in after the fact I recorded this episode prior to the colonoscopy episode. If you haven't heard pro tips from the diarrhea bowl, and all the reasons why you need to go and get that damn colonoscopy. Go back and listen or you're fucking missing out. This one was supposed to be number one of the midlife clusterfuck series. But I got so excited about my colonoscopy that I recorded an episode that evening. And it came out before this one. So I just wanted to clear up if there's any confusion, go back and listen to the diarrhea bowl. And stay with me and listen through this because you're gonna love this episode. So in this first little minisode I'm going to talk about my first Hawaii trip in the last 10 years. So two Thanksgivings ago, which is I don't know 18 months ago, I don't know I'm just not good at math. Ever. My husband was like, Okay, let's do Hawaii is a family. We haven't been in 10 years. We can't see your family or my family. Everybody's afraid of COVID So let's just go the four of us to Hawaii. I was like oh my god, great. A bonding session for all four of us will get to like read hang out on the beach, blah, blah, blah. Hawaii sounds luxurious and amazing. We went through all the fucking COVID protocol to make sure we could get there. We finally passed all of those SAS we get there. It's like 10,000 degrees in the airport. We have to wait for Two hours to show our COVID test. While we're probably getting COVID, just by fucking standing in an unaired, conditioned airport with everyone on top of each other. Then this is what happens. I hear my husband on the phone with a bike tour guide in Hawaii, I hear him talking about a bike tour, how he and my son are going to go. So I say, Oh, is it like, mountain biking thing or like a street thing? He says, Oh, it's a street thing. And I'm like, You know what, Marissa and I are going to come on that, like, we never do those kinds of activities, and we're going to do it. So my husband kind of looked at me like, you're fucking crazy. But then he was like, Okay, I'm not going to argue with this bitch, because she is going to be pissed and think that I don't think she can actually do it. So I'm like, okay, great. Let's do it. So we get to the top of the mountain, we're in the minivan with the guy. We get all set up, he gives us our bikes, bla bla bla takes us through, like what the gears are. And I guess the brakes, the front brake, the rear brake, all of this shed, I have no idea what he's talking about. But I go with it. We're riding down the side of this of this like mountain. It is gorgeous, amazing, exhilarating. I'm like, I can't believe I'm doing this, this is outrageous. And we get to the bottom, it starts to drizzle, okay, we're in a fucking residential area. I'm like, so embarrassed, even tell this part of the story. There's like a few little construction trucks going across, and the bike guide is at the front of the line, then it's my son, then then it's me. So the bike guide starts to break a little bit because of the drizzle in the construction trucks. So then my son decides that he's going to brake a little bit, so then I start to put my brakes on, I guess, I don't fucking know, I guess maybe I use the wrong brake. I don't know whether you're supposed to use the front one, the back one, whatever, I flip over the fucking bike. And at that point, I
Sarah Milken 11:57
was like, game over. I don't even know what to say. Everybody stops. Nobody knows what to do. It's fucking COVID. I'm not getting into an ambulance in Hawaii, where the COVID is off the charts. And I'm laying there and I swear, like, my soul came above my body. And I could like see down on myself. I didn't know what was broken on my arm or my hand, but I like just knew I was totally fucked. And everybody just stood there staring at me. And I'm like, Yeah, me water gave me this, whatever. My husband gets me in the car, we drive to urgent care. My kids are in the backseat, we get to urgent care. They don't let my husband in, or my kids and because of COVID I walk in, the lady who's going to help me has been in like a sling. She said for months, because she just had arm surgery herself. They get me to the X ray machine I pass out. And it was like the worst two hours of my life. And basically, I broke my rib and broke my wrist, cracked the tip of my shoulder blade. And I just don't even know what to say. Like I literally wanted to die. So the rest of the trip was me in a bed in Hawaii wondering how the fuck I was going to get home. But the story gets better. So I say to my husband, there's no way I can fly like I'm actually going to die here. And he was like, No, you're not you're going to be fine. My family is not used to like me being like dramatic and I wasn't even dramatic. I literally let them go on with their trip while I laid in the bed. And it's like a modern hotel, so I couldn't even get my fucking ass at the bed. But anyway, my husband became like the pant picker upper. Like if I had to pee, he had to help me if I had to get out of my bed. I had to stick my finger in my rib. He had to stick his finger into my shoulder blade. And then he had to pull me up and I would get to the bathroom. We'd have to pull my pants down. I could wipe with the other hand, but then he'd have to pull the pants to get back up. Anyway. Two days after the injury I realized I'm still wearing the same fucking shirt that I fell in on the bike. I said to my husband, I'm like, I actually think it might be time for me to shower and change my shirt. Like do you think you could help me do that? So of course he did. I got like my disgusting clothes off finally. And then I was like, Okay, what are we going to do? Because we have to stay here extra days. There's no way I can fly. Honestly, we almost had a divorce. And if you know this podcast, you know, I've known my husband since I was 13. I've been with him for 27 years. And he's like, Well, this hotel is really expensive, Sarah so we're gonna have to switch hotels to a hotel that has that we can use our points. And it's on the other side of the island. I literally lost my fucking shirt. I was like You're gonna tell me now that you're trying to save money when you just bought yourself a new car, and I'm fucking dying in Hawaii. I can't fucking move. And you think that I'm going to like pack up my bags and switch hotels, you fucking idiot, I lost my mind. Literally, he was like, I will drive to the hotel, I will check it out, I will pack up all your stuff. And I just was like, honestly, I
Sarah Milken 15:26
love you. But this marriage is over. I don't even know if I said I love you. I was like, There's no way we're fucking changing hotels, so you can save money. And so we never changed hotels, I thought I was gonna die. I finally get back to LA. I have a podcast to do. I'm hand writing it. I can't sit down, I can't stand up. I can't get comfortable. But I'm such like a hard worker person that I was like, I can't cancel this podcast. I've committed to her. So recorded the podcast with my pink cast that I literally wore for two and a half months after that. And I just pushed through it. And I swear to you like to this day, I feel like my kids and my husband have no fucking idea how much pain that whole like accident and the next few months like caused me because I feel like so many women, including myself, we just sort of like grin and bear it we just like get our shit done. Even though things hurt. And looking back on it. I really feel like maybe I should have asked for more help. I should have complained a little bit more. Because I took a lot of it in the shorts. And like I really shouldn't have because I really was in so much pain. So if you're in pain, fuckin tell someone ask for some extra help. Because you know what, it's not fun to have injuries and it's really hard. So the moral of the story choose you do you do what makes you feel good and comfortable? And I should have asked for more help at the time because I really did think I was going to die. And as I wrap up, I want to say thank you for being here. Thank you for being here as part of the Golden should show clusterfuck series and I'm so happy you're here. I'm so happy you're here for the golden shit show. I love you guys. I am here for you. You're there for me. And we're gonna do this talk soon.