Midlife VJ’s…Use ‘Em or Lose ‘Em
Hot Takes From My Conversation With Dr. Karyn Eilber
Get those shovels ready, ladies! Today I have another vagina expert that you’re going to love. We are adding another dimension to the midlife vagina remix. She is our midlife sex, orgasm, and lube doctor. Her name is Dr. Karyn Eilber.
Dr. Karyn Eilber is a board-certified urologist with a subspecialty board certification in female pelvic medicine and reconstructive surgery and has over 20 years of experience taking care of women's most intimate needs. She's an Associate Professor of Urology in Obstetrics and Gynecology at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. She's also the co-founder of Glissant, an intimate lubricants company, created and designed for the woman who knows what she wants and elevating the female intimate experience.
We are digging deep and talking all about sex and pleasure in midlife. It’s one of those things that we need to use or we’re going to lose. We’re getting into the nitty-gritty of managing our sexual health including increasing our pelvic floor strength and closing the orgasm gap.
Sex & Pleasure
Sex is hard to talk about and heaven forbid we say the word ‘vagina’...We are so embarrassed to say the word that we often come up with nicknames. Dr. Karyn says, “I just feel like, the more we call it something else, we reinforce this shame that goes along with vagina like, it's such a taboo topic. We can't even call it by its real name.”
Are you avoiding sex? Dr. Karyn wanted to be clear on this. Wanting to sleep is not the same as avoiding sex. We are so busy in our day-to-day lives and our minds are in a million different places. You might not have time to groom from head to toe, your underwear might be a decade old, and you just might not be feeling as hot as you used to be. It’s not necessarily that we are avoiding sex, versus it’s just not convenient.
However, now that we are entering midlife and our lives aren’t as consumed by our children, we may be starting to think about sex again. So what do we need to know?
Take Control of Your Sexual Health
As we age there are so many changes going on with our vaginas…we often don’t even know where to start. Dr. Karyn gave us a lot of good information about taking control and understanding what changes our bodies are going through.
Bringing up sex and any other problems, like your hormones, with your doctor can be tough. But, if you want to talk about it, you do have to bring it up. Dr. Karyn said that it’s not that your doctor doesn’t want to talk about it, but it’s not necessarily top of mind for them.
Talking about hormones…some doctors aren’t comfortable. Physicians are trained in very traditional medicine. So supplements aren’t a lot of doctors' fortes. You do have to have a certain hormonal balance to have everything functioning correctly. Libido is mainly driven by testosterone. Taking estrogen alone doesn’t guarantee that you’re going to maintain your libido. If you really have no sex drive and there aren’t any relationship issues, bring up testosterone to your doctor. Do some research on your own and go in like you are there for a second opinion. And then together you can find out what’s best for you.
The dreaded UTI. There are really subtle hormonal changes that we go through that can affect our normal vaginal microbiome, which is a fancy word for saying we have a cesspool down there. It’s when we don’t have as much good bacteria as we need to keep the bad bacteria in check, which makes us more prone to infections.
Keeping your vaginal microbiome in check. Unfortunately, there isn’t a good vaginal probiotic. So, the best probiotic is avoiding antibiotics. Every time something feels off downstairs doctors tend to throw antibiotics at you…don’t rush to take them. Note though that this is a discussion you need to have with your doctor.
Are you dry? This is a sign that your estrogen level is lower. You can actually take a vaginal estrogen supplement or prescription to put inside the vagina to help with that. Or if you're fully menopausal, you might think about hormone replacement.
Avoid things that will make your vaginal pH abnormal. The vagina really is like a self-cleaning oven. Cleansing is important. However, choose a product that is not irritating. The more you wash you will notice that your skin gets too dry and irritated.
Get Your Pelvic Floor Strong
It’s all about those Kegels. It’s a real subtle movement and it should really feel like things are getting pulled up. Dr. Karyn always tells her patients, “Imagine you're at a cocktail party, you're trying to stop yourself from passing gas.”
Have sex on the regular. Having sex on a regular basis is also a great exercise to keep your pelvic floor muscles strong.
When Kegels can’t help…women who have had traumatic vaginal deliveries, the muscles actually are detached from where they're supposed to be. And so you're exercising muscles sometimes that are not in the right place. You can’t strengthen your pelvic floor if the muscles have been torn out of position. So, in some instances, Kegels won’t solve everything. If you’re doing your Kegels and you aren’t noticing a difference, bring it up with your doctor and find different alternatives.
Now Onto the Pleasure
Don’t let body image issues stop you. Maybe you still haven’t lost that baby weight or you have some extra skin here or there…own it! For women with a steady partner, it usually isn’t an issue. However, it can be really difficult for single women. As men age, they are getting into their golden years, whereas women can feel like they are put out to pasture. Just know that body image is more than likely falsely induced by people who have their own insecurities.
Having fewer orgasms can be normal. After having a vaginal delivery everything changes and is different down there. A lot of women can feel very alone and ashamed, but it is completely normal. Dr. Karyn’s favorite analogy she gives her patients is, “If I took a golf ball, and I shoved it through your nose, you would not be surprised that things were not functioning the same.”
Orgasm Gap. Forbes Magazine stated that research found that a high percentage of women said they always orgasm when they masturbate compared to only 6%, during vaginal intercourse. Don’t be afraid to talk to your partner about what you like and don’t like. Also know there is nothing wrong with masturbating and we really should let go of this taboo that it is something dirty for women to do.
Vibrators. If you're not sexually active on a regular basis, you can use a vibrator a couple of times a week to keep things healthy down there. Try adding a vibrator into your sexual activity with your partner as it can also increase blood flow and improve your overall sexual function and help with incontinence.
Lube. Dr. Karyn created her own product after years of women asking her for good lube recommendations. She co-founded the company, Glissant. They have a water-based lube and a CBD-oil-based lube. If you are using condoms you should be using the water-based lube because the oil will break down the condom. People who are really sensitive tend to do better with the water-based lube as well. The CBD lube has anti-inflammatory properties and can really help with any pain, discomfort, or dryness you might be feeling during intercourse. If you head to her website take note that the gold one is the water-based one and the black one is oil-based with CBD.
The gold was dripping off of that conversation with Dr. Karyn. She helped us dig deep into all things sex and pleasure. Next time you head to your doctor, take control, bring up your concerns, talk about your sex life, and your hormonal health. Try out her tips for increasing your pleasure and don’t be afraid to check out some of her amazing products…they could be just what you need!
